A
young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow
up I think I'd like to be a trumpet player."
She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do
both."
Q: What's the difference between a guitar player and
a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.
Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's
arm?
A: A tattoo.
Q: What do you call a bass player in a three-piece suit?
A: The Defendant.
Q: What did the tenor player get on his I.Q. test?
A: Saliva.
Q: What did the bass player do when he accidentally
locked the keys in his car?
A: Break the side window so he could unlock the door
to let the guitarist out.
Q: What's the similarity between a bass player and a
philosopher?
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
Q: What is the difference between a 4th tumpet player
a vacuum cleaner?
A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks
Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo
players?
A: It saves time.
Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and
a trumpet?
A: About three decibels.
Q: What's the latest crime wave in New York City?
A: Drive-by trombone solos.
Q: What's the definition of a minor second interval?
A: Two soprano sax players reading off the same part.
Q: What is another term for trombone?
A: A wind-driven, manually-operated pitch approximator.
Q: What is the dynamic range of a bass trombone?
A: On or off.
Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and
a bad oboist?
A: A bad oboist can kill you.
Q: How does a violist's brain cell die?
A: Alone.
Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get in and out of
cars.
Definition of Relative minor:
A Country & Western guitarist's girlfriend.
Female vocalist asks her keyboard player, "I'd
like to do 'My
Funny Valentine' again tonight... but can you think
of a way to 'jazz it up'?"
Keyboard player replies, "Sure, we can do the first
chorus in G minor,then modulate to G# minor for the
second chorus in 5/4 time, then modulate to A minor
in whatever time for the bridge, then cut off the last
3 bars!"
She exclaims, "That might be too complicated to
do
without a rehearsal!"
Keyboard player responds, "Well, it shouldn't be
That's
how you sang it last night!"
Here
are some rules for playin the blues
1.
Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."
2.
"I got a good woman," is a bad way to
begin the Blues, 'less you stick something nasty
in the next line, like "I got a good woman
with
the meanest face in town.
3.
The Blues is simple. After you get the first line
right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes
... sort of: "Got a good woman - with the meanest
face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher - and
she weigh 500 pound."
4.
The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch:
You stuck in a ditch, ain't no way out.
5.
Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken down trucks.
Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility
Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound
bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored
motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays
a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin'
to die.
6.
Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin
to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, adulthood
means being old enough to get the electric chair
if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7.
Blues can take place in New York City, but not in
Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul
or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St.Louis, and
Kansas City still the best places to have the Blues.
You cannot have the blues in any place that don't
get rain.
8.
A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues.
A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking
your leg cuz you skiing is not the blues.
9.
Breaking your leg cuz a' alligator be chomping on
it is.
10.
You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping
mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking
lot or sit by the dumpster.
11.
Good places for the Blues:
highway
jailhouse
empty bed
12.
Bad places:
Ashrams
gallery openings
Ivy League institutions
golf courses
13.
No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit,
'less you happen to be a' old black man, and you slept
in it.
14.
Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
you're older than dirt
you're blind
you shot a man in Memphis
you can't be satisfied.
No,
if:
you have all your teeth
you were once blind but now can see
the man in Memphis lived.
you have a retirement plan or trust fund.
15.
Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of
bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary
Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg
up on the blues.
16.
If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's
the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
bad
wine
bad whiskey or bad bourbon
muddy water
black coffee.
The
following are NOT Blues beverages:
mixed drinks
kosher wine
Snapple
sparkling water
17.
If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack,
it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous
lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric
chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken
down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die
during a tennis match or getting liposuction.
18.
Some Blues names for women:
Sadie
Big Mama
Bessie
Fat River Dumpling
Some Blues names for men:
Joe
Willie
Little Willie
Big Willie
Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, and Rainbow
can't sing the
Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
19.
Make yer own Blues name (starter kit)
name
of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon,
Lime, Kiwi, etc.) last name of President (Jefferson,
Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example, Blind Lime Jefferson,
or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc.
20.
I don't care how tragic your life: you own a computer,
you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it-
with fire, a spilled bottle of Mad Dog, or get out
a shotgun. Maybe your big woman just done sat on
it.
I
don't care.
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